In the summer of 2016, I wrote this little exercise inspired by Humpty Dumpty, turning Donald Trump and friends into essentially a Warner Bros. cartoon. It was a bit of silliness written when Donald Trump was just the clown candidate and we thought he was still funny.

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SCENE I

(An overdecorated office with tall windows looking out over a vast landscape. Enter DUCKY TRUMPTY, a duck, and his porcine lackey, HAM HAMMIE.)

TRUMPTY
It’s huge, I tell you. It’s everything I promised it would be. More! This is the most wonderful wall ever built, trust me. It makes that wall in China look like a velvet rope at a Bayonne nightclub. And right here, right on top of the highest point in the wall, my office. An office fit for a king. Or, you know, president. Whatever.

HAMMIE
It’s m…m…magnificent, sir.

TRUMPTY
And look at the gold letters, a hundred feet high: “Welcome to Trumpty Country. Now
get out!”

HAMMIE
How are you going to get the other side to pay for it, your worshipfullness?

TRUMPTY
Here’s my little secret, Hamster. I don’t care what the other side looks like. They can make it out of mud and discarded taco shells. People just need to see my side of the wall in all its ornate glory.

HAMMIE
B…b…brilliant, sir!

TRUMPTY
Gad, yes. It is, isn’t it?

(Enter PUGH GALLOP, a horse.)

PUGH
Sorry to interrupt, Ducky.

TRUMPTY
Pugh! Come in. How’s my favorite pollster?

PUGH
I’m well enough, sir, but I’m a little worried about your numbers.

TRUMPTY
Wadda ya’ talking about? Everybody wants me to be potentate.

HAMMIE
President, sir.

TRUMPTY
Whatever.

PUGH
Not quite everyone, Ducky. You do have some opposition.

TRUMPTY
What, you mean Crooked Bilgorey? The only people that want her are losers. They’re
gonna lose.

PUGH
Very clever, sir, and no one can argue with the success that you’ve had since the end of summer.

TRUMPTY
I had a great Fall.

PUGH
But with the recent events overseas — well, I don’t know a better way to put this — some voters are spooked.

HAMMIE
Sp…sp…spooked?

TRUMPTY
Wadda ya mean?

PUGH
A number of people who have now come to realize you are running as a serious nominee, six months ago thought you were running just as a joke.

HAMMIE
You showed them, sir!

TRUMPTY
Shut up, Ham.

HAMMIE
Shutting up, your high and mightiness.

TRUMPTY
How many people?

PUGH
All of them.

TRUMPTY
All of them?!?

PUGH
Statistically speaking, yes. There’s your mother, your wife…

TRUMPTY
…and?

PUGH
That’s it.

TRUMPTY
Wadda we do about it?

HAMMIE
You could hold another d…d…debate!

TRUMPTY
(to Hammie) You’re not talking, remember. (to Pugh) Gadzooks, I’ve got it, we can hold another debate. I kill at those!

PUGH
No one wants to debate you anymore.

TRUMPTY
That doesn’t matter, I’ll debate myself.

HAMMIE
That’s brilliant, sir! You can’t lose.

PUGH
Debate yourself?

TRUMPTY
Yes, who better to debate Ducky Trumpty than Ducky Trumpty? Make it so, Ham sandwich.

HAMMIE
Consider it d…done, your unctuousness.

SCENE II
(A lectern in a press room, facing a crowd of reporters. HAMMIE enters first.)

HAMMIE
Ladies and gentlem… m… m… journalists. May I introduce the stupendous, the obstreperous, the overrated Ducky Trumpty!

(TRUMPTY enters triumphantly.)

TRUMPTY
Hey, hey, how ya doin’, how ya doin’? Look at Ham Hammie. Ain’t he the greatest? Always got my back, I gotta tell ya, always right behind me. Which is a good thing, ’cause if he was in front you couldn’t see me!

(All laugh, except Hammie.)

TRUMPTY
So I hear that my unworthy opponent Crooked Bilgorey is afraid to face me in a debate.

REPORTER 1
Actually, Mr. Trumpty, she said she’d debate you any time after the convention.

TRUMPTY
She’s afraid!

REPORTER 1
She’s campaigning.

TRUMPTY
Who is this guy? Get him out of here! Go on!

(Security guards appear and escort REPORTER 1 out of the room.)

TRUMPTY
Now because Crooked Bilgorey is afraid to debate me…

REPORTER 1 (offstage)
She’s not afraid…!

TRUMPTY
I’m going to do the best thing and debate myself.

(The crowd of reporters murmurs in astonishment.)

TRUMPTY
Don’t worry, it’ll be the greatest thing ever, trust me.

(Trumpty spins his head to one side to pantomime asking himself a question, then spins
the other way to answer it.)

“So Ducky, how are you going to keep criminals out of the country?”
I’m going to build giant walls on all sides.
“But what about the criminals already here?”
I’m going to send them back where they came from.
“But won’t that empty out the prisons and put jailers out of work?”
They can go to work building my walls!

(The reporters in the room clamor in objection.)

REPORTER 2
That’s not a debate!

REPORTER 3
You’re just asking yourself questions and pretending to answer them!

REPORTER 4
This is an outrage!

REPORTER 5
Will you still come on my TV show?

TRUMPTY
This is a debate! This is a debate! See, we’re debating.

(The reporters continue to object.)

TRUMPTY
Security, get them all out! All of them! If they don’t like the debate, they can just leave.

(The security guards herd the reporters out the door.)

REPORTER 2
You can’t silence the press.

REPORTER 3
You haven’t heard the last of us.

REPORTER 4
But our readers have heard the last of you.

REPORTER 5
Call me!

(The guards and the reporters are now all gone, leaving only Trumpty and Hammie behind.)

HAMMIE
We’re all alone, your gaseousness.

TRUMPTY
I can see that, you pork sandwich.

SCENE III

Trumpty, Hammie, and Pugh have reconvened in Trumpty’s baroque office. Pugh is examining his smart phone.

TRUMPTY
Those miserable scribes, who do they think they are? They’re lowlife losers. They couldn’t write their way out of a thinly veiled allegory.

PUGH
That may be true, Ducky, but you need them.

TRUMPTY
I don’t need anybody.

PUGH (looking at his phone)
I’m getting feedback in now.

TRUMPTY
What are they saying?

PUGH
Nothing.

TRUMPTY
Wadda ya mean, nothing?

PUGH
Complete silence. They’ve stopped reporting on you. No more headlines, no more discussing you on twenty-four hours news, no hashtag #Trumpty. Even hashtag #DumptyTrumpty has gone silent. It’s a blackout.

TRUMPTY
What? They need me. Without me, they’re nothing. I just need to get their attention.

HAMMIE
I’m sure you’ll come up with something outrageous, sir.

TRUMPTY
What if I build another wall?

PUGH
That’s passé.

TRUMPTY
What if I start talking about my hands again?

PUGH (still looking at his phone)
People don’t care anymore.

TRUMPTY
What if I shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue?

PUGH
That’s actually illegal unless you’re a cop.

TRUMPTY
There must be something. Without hashtags, I feel my power fading.

PUGH (looking up from his phone)
I’m sorry, Ducky. We lost her.

TRUMPTY
Who?

PUGH
Your mother.

TRUMPTY
We lost mommy? She’s dead? That would be great publicity!

PUGH
Not dead, no, just not voting for you anymore.

TRUMPTY
That’s it. You’re fired! You’re all fired. Guards!

(Security guards enter)

You’re fired, too. Now get everyone out of here.

(The guards just look at each other, confused.)

Never mind, you can do what you want. I’m getting out of here. Mommy! Mommy…!

(Trumpty exits in a panic. There is a pause.)

HAMMIE
I got this. You (indicating one security guard), you change all the locks and make sure that he can’t get in here. You (indicating second guard), cancel all of his accounts and change all the passcodes. Pugh…! (He has Pugh’s attention.) Alert the media. Tell them that Trumpty has left the building and there’s a new character in charge. Ham Hammie is on the job! (Pugh hesitates) What are you waiting for? Let’s get this pig and pony show on the road. Go. Go!

PUGH
I wasn’t sure that you had it in you, sir. Welcome to the helm.

(They shake hands. Pugh and the guards exit with dispatch. Hammie, finally alone, surveys
the office.)

HAMMIE
I’ve been waiting all my life for this.

END SCENE