For this year’s 24/7 at Live Arts (seven plays written and performed in 24 hours), we playwrights were given the theme Love, American Style, and I was gifted the specific prompt “I have a wooden leg!”. The result below was written overnight and performed just once the next day, March 2 2019.
Thank you to my friend and frequent partner, Leslie Scott-Jones, for taking this mess of a script and turning it into something magical. Kudos to my cast: Michael Swanberg, Jen Bottas, Lee Susen, Jessie Conover, and a special cameo by Browning Porter. Finally, thank you to Live Arts and Ray Nedzel for pulling this crazy event together every year.
The full playscript is below
(WALTER is sitting pensively at a table in a trendy coffee shop, nursing a cup. He has made an attempt to dress nicely. Hovering nearby is PETER, Walter’s penis. When Peter speaks, Walter hears him only subconsciously.)
(Walter glances at his watch. He is nervous and expectant. CAMEO, the server, hovers nearby.)
Peter
I knew we shouldn’t have come here early. You really wanna impress a gal, stroll in just a little bit late, talking on your phone. Shows you’re a mover and a shaker, ya’ know? They respond to that.
(Walter checks his phone and takes a sip of his now lukewarm coffee.)
PETER (CONT’D)
And what do we know about this broad? She wears a big hat? Is that all the time or only when she’s meeting strangers in coffee shops? All I can say is, I hope this goes somewhere. I am definitely feeling underutilized.
(Walter shifts uncomfortably. Peter’s yammering is starting to get to him.)
(MICHELLE enters, prim and proper, and indeed wearing a big hat. Shadowing her is GINA, Michelle’s vagina.)
PETER
Hey, I bet that’s her. (Walter looks up) Don’t she look fancy? Quick, send the text!
(Walter surreptitiously taps out a message on his phone and then sets it down on the table. Cameo indicates Walter’s table. Walter stands and half-waves. Peter stays seated. Michelle approaches, trailed closely by Gina.)
WALTER
(flustered)
Hi. Hello. You must be Michelle. Nice hat. I’m Walter. Yeah, you knew that.
(It’s awkward. Walter waits for Michelle to be seated across from him before he sits again.
Gina sits right next to Michelle, practically rubbing elbows. Peter eyes Gina,
she glances at him skeptically.)
PETER
I don’t know about this. She seems tense.
(Michelle digs through her purse, pulls out her phone, taps the screen, and sets it down.)
MICHELLE
We have five minutes.
WALTER
I’m sorry?
PETER
Five minutes? Is this a date or a job interview?
(Gina just rolls her eyes.)
WALTER
Is this a…? Five minutes to what?
MICHELLE
Five minutes to determine whether this is just two friendly strangers meeting for coffee, or if
there’s the possibility of something more.
PETER
(to Gina)
Is she serious?
GINA
Always.
WALTER
You know, when our mutual friend Raylene said that we should meet, she mentioned that you were…
MICHELLE
Efficient?
WALTER
That is the very word she used.
PETER
That is not the word she used. (Gina laughs) Hey, you I like. You got a sense of
humor.
GINA
Don’t let her fool you, she can be devastatingly funny.
MICHELLE
(indicating Peter’s coffee)
You’ve already started? Where do you order?
GINA
She just needs to relax a little.
WALTER
They’ll come to the table.
(Walter waves Cameo over.)
PETER
Too bad this place only serves coffee.
CAMEO
(in a vaguely French accent)
My name is Cameo. I am in this country legally. What would you care for today?
MICHELLE
Do you have a caramel cappuccino?
CAMEO
We have a brown-sugar caramel latte.
MICHELLE
Do you use skim or whole milk?
CAMEO
Skim, but we have whole.
MICHELLE
Can you make it with half whole and half skim milk, and pour the espresso into the foam?
CAMEO
One caramel latte macchiato half-and-half. Very good. And you sir?
WALTER
More coffee.
(Cameo leaves to place their orders.)
PETER
Did that count against our time?
WALTER
Did that count against our time?
MICHELLE
You must think I’m very controlling.
WALTER
No.
PETER
Yes.
MICHELLE
I’ve been on a lot of “dates” lately…
PETER
She doesn’t seem the type.
GINA
She’s been on some dates, but I haven’t seen any action.
MICHELLE
…and I can usually tell in the first five minutes whether or not it’s going anywhere.
WALTER
What did the other guys do wrong?
GINA
They talk only about themselves and never say anything meaningful.
WALTER
Since you’re here now, I assume none of those other dates worked out. What can I do different?
MICHELLE
Surprise me.
PETER
You better let me handle this.
(Walter silences Peter.)
WALTER
Do you have any paper?
MICHELLE
How about index cards?
WALTER
That’ll do.
PETER
Who carries index cards?
(Michelle dives into her purse and brings out a stack of index cards and several pens, setting them on the table.)
GINA
Like she said: efficient.
WALTER
I’ve been on a few dates, too. When I get nervous, which is most of the time, I babble on and never really say anything of consequence. (Walter picks up a card and a pen) There’s a game we played at a church retreat. It’s called “two truths and a lie”. We each write down three things about ourselves. Two of them are curious facts that most people don’t know about us. The third one is a lie. Then we try to figure out which is which.
MICHELLE
Score one for you, Walter. You’ve already surprised me.
(Walter is busy writing. Michelle picks up a card and does the same. Peter and Gina look at each other, shrug, and both grab their cards and start writing. After a moment, they all finish.
MICHELLE
Who goes first?
(Walter gallantly demurs. Michelle reads.
MICHELLE
I went to parochial school.
GINA
She was old enough to drink before I lost my virginity.
WALTER
My parents raised alpacas.
PETER
I can whistle Beethoven.
MICHELLE
I’ve never seen a Brad Pitt film.
GINA
I have a piercing.
WALTER
I have a wooden leg.
PETER
I once stood at attention for five straight hours.
MICHELLE
I don’t know how to drive a stick shift.
GINA
I smell like rose petals.
WALTER
I’ve never been in love.
(Peter stares at his card, then shakes his head and puts it down without saying anything.)
(Cameo shows up with the coffee orders.)
CAMEO
One caramel latte macchiato half-and-half for the lady, and one regular coffee for the gentleman. Can I get you anything else?
MICHELLE
We’re fine for now.
CAMEO
Tres bon.
(Cameo departs.)
WALTER
It was the Brad Pitt thing, wasn’t it?
MICHELLE
I love Brad Pitt.
WALTER
Sure.
MICHELLE
Alpacas, huh?
WALTER
Yeah. We gave away a lot of sweaters for Christmas.
MICHELLE
Is it weird that I’m kind of hoping you have a wooden leg?
WALTER
Is it weird that this game was my idea and now I’m embarrassed?
MICHELLE
Don’t be.
PETER
(to Gina)
Do you really smell like rose petals?
GINA
Wouldn’t you like to find out?
(Michelle’s phone starts buzzing. She picks it up.)
WALTER
Who’s that?
MICHELLE
No one. That was the alarm I set for five minutes.
WALTER
Oh, I thought maybe you had arranged for a friend to call you away on a sudden emergency in case this wasn’t working out.
MICHELLE
That’s very devious. What gave you that idea?
(Walter’s phone buzzes. He answers.)
WALTER
Hi, Raylene. Hold on a second…
(Walter pulls the phone away and looks at Michelle quizzically.)
MICHELLE
Sudden emergency?
WALTER
It’s my grandmother. She’s gone missing from the nursing home.
(Michelle laughs.)
MICHELLE
I’m setting my timer for another 60 minutes.
WALTER
(into the phone)
If Grammy doesn’t show up in an hour … you know what, never mind. They’ll find her eventually.
(Walter sets the phone down. Michelle takes off her hat. They smile, lift their coffees, and finally relax.)
(Peter and Gina scoot in next to each other.)
GINA
(to Peter)
Five hours straight, huh?
PETER
With a little encouragement, I bet I could break that record.
LIGHTS OUT